I sit here writing a year on. A year on from so much but, mainly, from grief; from bravery; from stoicism and resolve. It’s not really clear cut as to whom these attributes belong but they were all there in the ICU day after day after day. Patients whose faces shall never be dimmed in my memory as they encompassed all of the above. Exhausted staff who kept giving and giving.
The events of the last few days have of course, quite rightly, led to anger and outrage. But for some it may lead to something else. Something akin to a surge where the barriers have cracked and the water rushes through the gaps. Because those times were hard. And we kept going.
One of the things I did yesterday was look back at a journal I wrote around New Year last year and my reflections on Christmas.
It made me sad – imagining what peoples’ though processes were in the lead up to Christmas + whether or not to spend it with family. For some, a point in time that signified hope – the mental turmoil of weeks being cautious/ careful – the hope of normality, relaxation, happiness.”
My journal Jan 15th 2021
I talked about my own ability to process and how it seemed so hard when in the middle of everything. I counted myself lucky that I had been battle trained which definitely helped me during the pandemic. But I also noted some places were just too hard mentally to go…
Started to watch *that* casualty episode, but it’s still a bit too raw at the moment. Bit too much like an open wound rather than a scar…”
My journal Jan 15th 2021
So I guess the reason I’m writing this is for all those who have seen things many haven’t seen, gone places few have trod and tried to comfort those who didn’t have those they wished to comfort them near. No amount of media coverage can truly portray our experiences. Many of us still have frayed ends; only we will know just how unraveled they are, and it’s OK to still need help to twist them back in place. The cord may never look quite the same but it can still very much be mended and be strong and do what it is meant to do again.
Samaritans Telephone 116123 or follow the hyperlink to their website.
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